Revision of a Paragraph in our "Short Works Essay"

For this blog post, we are asked to revise a paragraph from our "Short Works Essay". My whole essay is posted on my blog a few posts down.

My original paragraph(directly from the essay):
                  As the story progresses, the symbols come to symbolize progress, specifically how progress is halted when all people care about is absolute equality that is created by the handicaps. While the couple is watching TV “George [is] toying with the vague notion that maybe dancers shouldn't be handicapped” (Vonnegut 1).   However, as soon as he tried to make progress, or evolve, his thoughts the mental handicap sounded. Consequently, the notion “[doesn't] get very far with it before another noise in his ear radio scattered his thoughts” (Vonnegut 1).  George’s mental handicap limits his ability to form advanced thoughts that could and most likely will lead to progress, and his ear radio will always ruin and diffuse his potentially intelligent comment. Most people are masked by these handicaps, making them unaware of the side effects, especially no progress, which leaves them bewildered and perplexed when the handicaps disrupt relationships. Yet, some people will also recognize those side effects and take action to break free of these handicaps, in the form of relationships to mock the fact that handicaps, the sound in George’s ear and the ballerina’s weights, can break down relationships. Before people could understand what will happen when there is no progress, it starts to disrupt relationships.

My Revised Paragraph:                  
                 As the story progresses, the symbols come to represent the halting of progress, particularly when all people care about is absolute equality that is created by the handicaps. While the couple is watching TV “George [is] toying with the vague notion that maybe dancers shouldn't be handicapped” (Vonnegut 1).   However, as soon as he tries to make progress, or evolve, his thoughts the mental handicap sounded. Consequently, the notion “[doesn't] get very far with it before another noise in his ear radio scattered his thoughts” (Vonnegut 1). Most people are masked by these handicaps, making them unaware of the side effects. The most obvious side effect of the handicaps is progress halting.  Yet, some people will also recognize those side effects and take action to break free of these handicaps. Vonnegut makes Harrison one of the people who notice the burden of equality and how it can halt progress. To Vonnegut, the only way to break free of equality is to ultimately break down relationships.